Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
barbara walters just said penis...
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
