my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
