i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Randomize
