I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Someone came in the potted fern
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
