sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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