I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
