If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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