Ketchup is God's man juice
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
