Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
