And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
