look no pants
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
