we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
