i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Randomize
