I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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