I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize