i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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