You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Randomize
