Someone shit on the floor
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
