Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
organizing the empties. That sober.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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