Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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