Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
