I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
