Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
