hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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