Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize