I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
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