True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
