and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
