I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
