That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
