ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
