don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
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