vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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