I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
