i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
