my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
