wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I think my fart just growled at me.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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