I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
