this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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