did you get engaged???
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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