The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
