I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
