my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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