seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
