Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Randomize
