He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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