When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Randomize
