false alarm. still invincible.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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