I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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