Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
