we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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