Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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