i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
