my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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