i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
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