Your face is a jimmy john
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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