he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
