I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
